It is Mother’s Day. I am blessed to have 3 beautiful, healthy, and energetic boys and 1 angel baby in heaven. But the thought I woke up with this morning was about my mom. She has been gone for nearly 8 years now and today it feels like there is a hole in my heart, that a piece of my life is missing.
My life has changed so much since my mom passed away and although the mourning/grieving has run it’s course and I feel that I have completed every stage, it’s like it comes back in waves, on birthday’s, holidays, mother’s day, at random times when I am in the car and a song comes on that reminds me of her, or when I’m doing dishes or laundry. A few months ago I was purging my basement and I found a stack of cards people sent me after she died and I sat in my basement and just sobbed while I was reading them.
My mom was my best friend, a feeling I never shared with her because while she was alive, quite frankly, she was a pain in my rear. I can say that without remorse because it is the truth and I know that I was a pain in hers too. She worried about everything and everyone all the time. She was loud. She liked to listen to the same songs over and over and over again. Did I mention how much she worried? She was a professional at it. But honestly, as I grew up, we grew closer and it was rare that a day passed that I didn’t talk to her on the phone. And then, she was gone. And while I have many close friends and several best friends, no one can take that place and no one can fill that void. Not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not my sister, who feels the same loss, but feels it differently than I do. Nothing of this world can fill that hole in my heart, only God can. God gave us emotions and it is a beautiful thing. It allows us to be happy, joyful, and excited while it also allows us to feel anger and sadness. And it is ok to be sad. God has been sad too. And even though God can fill the hole, the loss is still there, because of the deep love I had for my mom. The loss will always be there, the hole will always be there, the sadness will always be there, God will always be there, and my hope in Him is what get’s me through those days of sadness.
Despite the sadness I had a choice to make today. I wanted to stay in bed and just be sad, just for today, but that wasn’t an option. My hubby was on a 24 today and being the awesome man that he is, he wouldn’t have allowed me to stay in bed and be sad even if he was home. So I put my big girl pants on, got out of bed and chose joy today. I prayed this morning and last night that I would love with everything I have and that I would be obedient to God. So I showered, made my kiddos breakfast and got us all to church. I hugged my kids a ton, showered them with appreciation for the homemade gifts and cards they made me at school and chose love at every turn because without my boys I wouldn’t be mom. However today is not called kid’s day, so I did spoil myself too. Instead of reheating leftovers I made my favorite foods(like bacon and things consisting of chocolate), veggies, because according to Logan’s all about my mom poster, my favorite food is salad(which is pretty accurate) and smoothies(chocolate). I put my pajamas on while lunch was cooking and after the dishes were done(only the pans, it’s mother’s day so we ate on paper plates of course) we settled down to my favorite movie, “Mom’s Night Out,” which if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend, and if you watch it with me, I will recite every line because the writer’s obviously read my mind when they made this movie. The main character is even a blogger(just sayin!). Followed by two rounds of Monopoly Junior with Evan, and then another funny movie, “Cheaper by the Dozen,” while Logan served my various play dough treats, followed by dinner. After dessert I chose a long story time, because one of my favorite things to do with my boys is read to them and while I have been skipping snuggles this week and even though it took longer to get through the bedtime routine, I snuggled each of my guys tonight and thanked them for being mine.
And after they went to bed, I texted my wonderful friend who lost her mom weeks before I lost mine(which is how we became friends-grieving buddies I guess) and said, “I miss my mom.” To which she responded, “I miss mine too.”
And I do, I just miss her today. But really it’s no different than any other day, just a deeper awareness because today has a label on it besides just Sunday, Mother’s Day. And knowing what I know, knowing how I felt today, I’d like to treat every day like today. With love, joy, and thankfulness.